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One of the cruelest things a parent can do to their child is picking the name, out of my siblings two dislike their own names so much that they almost won’t answer to their full names - the names in question are “Debbie” and “Samantha”.

Samantha in particular gets very annoyed if her first name is used although seeing as that is what I called her when I used to live with her and she didn’t mind it,is now a constant source of amusement (for me at least!)

Personally I would have preferred a less common name and something with a little more character ‘Borgia Machiavelli Hutchison’ for example or maybe something Greek like ‘Artemis’ or from Norse mythology like ‘Fenris’.

Now whilst I’d happily have a name like that, I not vindictive enough to inflict such names on a child of mine, even if as a girls name I quite like ‘Zekintha’ and I’d even be tempted by ‘Ariel’ and ‘Caliban’ in the event of a boy and a girl (two boys would have to be a combo like Rosencrantz and Guildenstern).  the important thing is whilst I like these names I also know that I probably have enough self control not to name any kids of mine thusly, that and I doubt any partner of mine would let me name my kids like this.

But not all people are  as thoughtful as me as can be shown in Malaysia, where a law has just been passed regarding names you cannot give a child without first appealing against the law, prohibited names include…

Khiow Khoo (hunchback)
Chow Tow (smelly head)
Sor Chai (insane)

There are other restrictions too and parent are not allowed to name their offspring for animals, insects, fruit, vegetables, colours or Japanese cars and names like Hitler are also prohibited - to be fair though I wouldn’t need a law to stop me  calling a child of mine Hitler Hutchison as it just doesn’t sound right.

In the pursuit of things to help pass the time in between calls I decided today that I would try to do something I haven’t done for a while and write a few pieces of poetry and as I like the form of haikus, I decided to see if I could write a couple of them and here are the results.

I started with the idea of doing something about the recent weather we’ve been having and that resulted in…

Seasons pass in turn.
Life returning to death,
As summer days shorten.

—

Summers heated wish,
For winter to arrive,
Forsakes winters wish.

—

The sound of music,
raing falling on parched leaves -
Nature’s harmony.

Being me though I soon go distracted and went onto other ideas and due to a particular pressing need I was inspired to write…

Strained concentration,
Focused on the last push -
Splash! and flush.

Then I went back to being serious to produce a coupled haiku:

A perfected world
Only exists in dreams -
For a single person.

A shared world
Is compromised,
By differing views.

And finally I thought about what I would like to do after work:

Alone, accompanied
By a bottle of cider,
I watch the sun set.

Rolf Harris is best known for “Tie Me Kangaroo Down, Sport” and “Two Little Boys”, but what people may not know is that he has also released some darker songs as well, although in some ways this is a lot funnier than his lighter numbers…

…if only for me…

Rolf Harris’ Seal Clubbing Classic

And it’s even got a remix:

>Kiddie Killer Rolf Remix

That’s today’s lesson as the Metro and BBC amongst others are reporting after a would be Romeo has had his email to Juliet broadcast around the world, now I have done a few stupid things in my time and there is evidence, but as far as I am aware the audience has always been pretty limited (at worst about 500 and I knew I was going to look stupid when I did this!)

Now I have been to a party before and met a girl I thought was nice, but was too shy to say anything at the time and all I did was get her number from a mutual friend and call, the great thing being that unless being recorded there is no evidence what I didn’t do was send an e-mail.

To be fair the would be Romeo started off OK with:

Hello Kate,

It’s joe - we met at Andrew’s party.

I hope you don’t mind me getting your e-mail address from the e-mail that Andy sent to us all; it is a bit sneaky of me.

It was wonderful to meet you on Saturday, and I wonder if you would consider meeting me for coffee sometime; maybe at the Tate Modern?

Ok so the sneaky comment wasn’t great, but it does the job and gets his message across, but like me this man cannot keep his mouth shut as he continued with phrases like…

OK. This is where my common sense is telling me to stop, keep it simple and positive joe and the probability of me listening to that voice?

Now I know from experience admitting to hearing voices is a BIG no, at least she is also a nutter.

Regardless of whether we see each other again, I will use it as I do my other special memories.

And just how does he use his ‘special’ memories?

If you are half as intelligent and aware as I believe you to be, I am sure that you will find what I have written, in the very least, sweet.

‘Sweet’ isn’t quite the word I was thinking of when I read the letter.

One last thing, I promise that it is enormously rare for me to stray as far from sobriety as I managed on Saturday night.

Now I may not be a woman, but I’d never date a man who talked about “straying from sobriety.”

Feel free to read the full letter in all it’s glory.

Now I have to admit that it’s only funny because it happened to someone else, I can recall writing a letter when I was seventeen to my first girlfriend and I can only hope that it has been consigned to oblivion as writing a letter where the gimmick was to include as many song titles is probably worse than what this man did – what do I mean probably it is worse than what this man did, but I shall blame it on my youth and thinking that I was in ‘love’ at the time.

After yesterdays random note passing today saw it elevate to a whole new level as this time the note were being passed back and forth in any language except English and as a result I was communicating in German, Spanish and Italian and for the record I can only understand one of those languages.To aid us in this endeavour we were using online dictionaries and translators with varying degrees of success such as the following conversation in Spanish and anyone that can use Spanish will be able to tell me how lost in translation my chat up technique was:

Me: Usted tiene ojos Hermosa. La unica cosa que ella no mehan dicho es su nombre…

The Girl: Me nombre es Ana-Maria Garcia-Haro

Me: Una nombre Hermosa, pero al lado de usted parece a una vela comparada al sol.

The Girl: Que menton de orina.

Me: No tomo la orina, usted ha hecho la unica toma para usted han capturado mi corazon.

The Girl: Me gusto el queso, pero no come eso.

Me: Bien le gusta la sacarina entonce? Despues de todo esto tiene menos calories que el queso.

The Girl: Pues, de verdad, no me gusta a las dos. Prefiero comer fresas y nada mas. Aunque, a veces me gusta ladrilles.

Me: Bien traere la crema si usted trae las fresas!

The Girl: Que fuerte! Muy bien!!

Me: Donde y curando?

The Girl: A casa de mi naio, tiene des pesos muy grandes para matarte. Esta noche a las seis.

Me: Es una fecha!

The Girl: Vale loco!

Me: Soy seguro que ustedvale cada peniquesus cargeis del hermano.

The Girl: Necesito una puta barata para est noche porque no tengo dinero. Xxx

Translated the conversation was…

Me: Your eyes are beautiful, they tell me everything about you but you name.

The Girl: My name is Ana-Maria Garcia-Maro.

Me: A beautiful name, but next to you it is like a candle next to the sun.

The Girl: You’re taking the piss!

Me: I am not taking the piss, the only thing that has been taken is my heart, by you!

The Girl: I like cheese, but not this sort.

Me: well do you like saccharine then? It has fewer calories than cheese.

The Girl: I don’t really like either of them. I prefer strawberries and sometimes *bricks* (That’s what I translated it as!)

Me: Well if you’ve got the strawberries I’ll bring the cream!

The Girl: Wonderful!

Me: Where and when?

The Girl: The house of my uncle, come tonight at 6 to meet your death.

Me: It’s a date!

The Girl: It’s worth it you crazy person!

Me: I am sure it’s worth every penny your brother charges.

The Girl: I have to be a cheap prostitute for the night, because I have no money, xxx

There’s a new game to pass the time at work now and it’s a game for everyone to play – passing notes and it’s like being at the back of a classroom all over again. Now the conversation at work can be surreal at times, but the notes do seem to have taken it to a different level.Here is an extract of a note that was passed to me:

(To be read in a high pitched Spanish accent.) Ay! Oh my goodness, my head eet iz hurting! Ouch! Don’t drink tequila with Pepe Mouse. I think my eyes are going to pop out. Poor me. I want my mother – Mommee! Help me! (Scratches whiskers.)

Oh poor leetle me, what was I thinking? Only big hamsters should – oooh sunflower seed – mmmm (munches seed) – big hamsters should drink alcohol not me! Owwww!

Stupid humans leaving bottles around – ooh, crisp packet! I want to go home.

ARGH, car!

(Mumble, mumble) Wish they’d watch where they were going, wish I had a giant hamster ball to crush them – Mmm, apples – I like apples! Ooh a bit of a tight squeeze (pop) Mmm wet…

‘hic

Oh crap, it’s cider not apple juice!