Today is “Talk Like a Pirate Day”, although living in Bristol as I do that makes no real difference as most people sound like pirates every day.
In observance of the day I am due to set sail shortly and head off to a friends where the grog will be passed around more than a few times tonight I suspect and as I cannot give you grog over the Internet here are some jokes I have plundered from PirateJokes.net:
How do pirates know that they are pirates?
They think, therefore they ARRRR!!!!!
What’s a horny pirate’s worst nightmare?
A sunken chest with no booty!
Did you hear about the pirate who took up boxing?
He had a killer left hook!
What does a pirate say when he has a heart attack?
Arrr! Me heartie!
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck!
And here are a few longer ones…
So, there’s this pirate ship in the midst of a long voyage. The men have grown terribly bored. A pirate amongst them happens to know a bunch of magic tricks, and he decides to put on a magic show. His parrot, however, is quite gossipy and can’t keep it’s mouth shut.
The pirate begins his first trick, and tha parrot gives it away by saying “rawwk, the coin is in the other hand, rawwk!”
Frustrated, the pirate tries another trick, but again, the parrot gives it away by blurting out “rawwk, look under the table, rawwk!”
This goes on for some time, to a point that the pirate can’t manage to perform anything spectacular to entertain the crew. His anger towards his blabbermouth parrot eventually grows so phenomenal that one night he gets very drunk and accidentally crashes the ship into some rocks.
Sobering up the next morning, he finds himself adrift on some wreckage. The parrot, ever the attentive sidekick, happens to land next to him looking quite puzzled. It says to him:
“Rawwk, Okay, I give up, What’d ya do with the boat?”
—–
A guy walks into a pub with a t-shirt that says “Pirates are stupid for 3 reasons!” He walks up to the bar, orders an ale. and sits down. He no more than gets his quaff when a smelly old sot comes up to him and says, “Aaargh, thar, matey! What’s that yer shirt be sayin’ thar?”
The guy looks around, looks the man straight in the eyes (well, in his one good eye, anyway), and says “Reason number 1 — Pirates can’t read!” Then he turns around to enjoy his beverage.
Not used to this sort of disrespect, the surly gent takes his hooked arm, lays it aggressively on the man’s shoulder, and slowly says, “What’s that ye be sayin’ thar, sonny-boy?”
The guy looks around again, looks his aggressor square in the eye this time, and enunciates, “Rea-son num-ber 2 — Pirates can’t hear!” And again, he turns around to face the bar.
Well, by this time, the old codger has had enough. He backs up, pulls his sword, and growls, “Aaaaargh, ye bilge rat, that be enuff of yer sass! Stand up and fight, ye lubber, yer soon to be acquainted with Davy Jones, his-self!”
With that, the guy stands up, pulls his pistol, and shoots the pirate dead through his one good eye. He drops his head as he watches him fall, sighs, and says, “Reason #3 — You pirates are constantly bringing swords to gunfights!”
…except for those people unfortunate enough to have had a fatal heart attack today, or stupid people who’ve walked out in front of a bus, etc.
Not that we were all going to die today, despite what stupid, ignorant, hippie doom-mongers would have us believe. If we are going to all die because of the Large Hadron Collider* it won’t be today, it’ll be in a couple of months when they’ve got the thing up to speed and start the actually smashing particles together - An event I suspect that will pass largely unnoticed by the world at large.
Still maybe the media hysteria will turn a few bright minds onto science for the future, just so their own pet projects in 50 years can be accused of putting the world at risk.
*Or Black Hole Machine as Frankie Boyle would have it.
Recently I have been trying to go against the natural order of things and go about upon two wheels rather than two legs and the non-existent powers that be have been showing their displeasure by blessing me with punctures, brakes not working and most recently causing me to lose the keys to my bike - Of course I didn’t lose my keys when the lock wasn’t in use, that would have been too easy. I had to misplace them after I had locked my bike up.
How I lost the keys I don’t know, they wer in my pocket attached to my other keys and when I pulled my key ring out of my pocket the bike lock keys were missing. I say keys not because I am particularly security concious and use multiple locks, but because I had two keys for the lock and rather cleverly had neglected to remove the duplicate key from my keyring to store safely somewhere else for just such an occasion as I found myself “celebrating” today.
Luckily for me I was able to buy a replacement key for the lock - Although when I say key, I actually mean a hacksaw!
Even more fortuitous for me is the fact that my bike wasn’t locked up on the street. After all, attacking a bike lock with a hacksaw is hardly the least suspicious of activities to be engaged in and I’d love to see what face a policeman might pull when you try the following conversation occurs:
PC: Allo, allo, allo. What do we ‘av ‘ere then?*
Me: What does it look like? A man with a hacksaw cutting through a bike lock.
PC: Indeed it does rather look like that and why might you be doing this?
Me: Because I don’t happen to have the keys for the lock, that’s why!
PC: Is that so? And this bike, does it belong to you, sir?
Me: Nope, it’s my housemates.
PC: Really, perhaps you’d like to come with me?
Me: Only if you give me a lift home, after I ain’t cycling anywhere with the bike chained up like this.
Believe me, if someone had stopped me to ask me questions about what I was doing it’s highly likely I’d have given answers like this - To say I was not in the best of moods whilst liberating the bike is an understatement.
*Because of course, all policemen speak like this.
Over the years there have been many religious disagreements, such as the creation of the Church of England, so the Henry VIII could get rid of wives legally without having to behead them. The Crusades are another example of a major religious disagreement and I am sure you can think of many more.
However as with all things in life, most disagreements tend to be petty and result in squabbling rather than wars. Such as this fictional disagreement between Our Lady of Martyrs Catholic Church and the Beulah Cumberland Presbyterian Church:
If only they would concentrate on the common ground and not focus on the differences.
Pic found whilst playing around on Pixdaus and yes I know the pic is old, but that doesn’t stop it being funny.
She may or not be compensating for something, but I have to admit my camera suddenly feels rather small and inadequate in comparison - I’m jealous and not just of the cameras as from her website she’s been a lot of places I can only dream of visiting currently.
