I brought up the subject of what’s in a name a few times before and discussed what I wish my parents had called me as well as doing various Internet tests to find out what I would be called if I was a pirate, a Rasta and God knows what else.
The natural extension of this is to find out what what title should rightfully be mine and to answer that question I have consulted the oracle that is the Internet and my peculiar aristocratic title should be:
Although seeing as I am moving back to Bristol shortly, the following title seems somewhat apt:
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Emperor David the Essential of Much Madness upon Avon
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Working in a call centre is not the most engaging of work it has to be said and at least part of my time is spent wondering about the minor point if humans are so evolved why do many animals appear to show more intelligence than them.
So when I saw a quiz asking what kind of think are you I thought I’d find out - I might not be a deep thinker I’ll admit, but you can drown in just a few centimeters of water - Maybe that’s why people talk about a little knowledge being a dangerous thing, after all it’s not enough to hold someone’s head under, but it’s enough for you to trip up and drown yourself.
Anyways to answer the question of what kind of thinker am I? I turned to the Internet and found an Internet test (which must be even more reliable usual as it comes from the BBC.)
According to them I am:
Whilst killing time on the Internet at work today I came across a poll asking “What would you do for $1,000,000?” and of the 10 possible options there are only 2 that I can say I definately say I would never do. I would do the others (although a couple would have minor qualifiers I’ll admit.
Now what does this say about me after all $1,000,000 isn’t really that much - in real money it’s about £500,000* an amount that in real terms could change your life, but could also easily be pissed up against a wall on shiny things.
Anyways to just check that I am not without moral I am going to go through the options and look at the reasons why I would in most cases take the money.
- Cheat on your spouse - Would I? No!
Whilst I might consider an indecent proposal type situation, I would not cheat on my partner, they’d have to give their permission for me to sleep with the person to get the money.
- Sell your house to a drug dealer - Would I? Possibly.
If my house was worth more I wouldn’t as it would be a bad deal for me and if my house was cheaper than that I would as it’s good business snese and I could tell the police I know where a drug dealer lived.
- Assassinate an evil dictator - Would I? No.
I’d like to think that I would, but it’s hell of a risk after all what use is the money if you are not around to spend it? Also the training I’d inevitably have to go through would be a lot of work.
- Perform in a porno movie - Would I? Yes, probably.
Why not? As long as it’s not something like ‘Bust Dave’s Ass’ I’m sure I’d enjoy it and for three minute’s work that’s a good paycheck!
- Sell your vote in a presidential election - Would I? Almost certainly.
But only because one vote doesn’t make that much of a difference and at $1,000,000 per vote they won’t be buying enough to make a real difference.
- Walk naked down the main street of your town - Would I? Yes.
This is an easy one for me to decide, sure I’d look stupid, but with the money I could move out of Calne. This would be a good thing as I have a strong dislike for Calne.
- Pull the switch to execute a convicted child molester - Would I? Yes.
The UK may not have the death penalty, but in the states I presume the excutioner gets paid so I can’t see how this would be much different other than it’s me flipping the switch and I get given more money for it. I have to admit though in this case I would probably give the money away to a charity like Childline or the NSPCC.
- Sing the national anthem at the Super Bowl - Would I? Yes.
Again no problem I’d even sing the national anthem of the USA if they wanted as I probably know more words of it than the average American.
- Inject heroin - Would I? Probably.
Depends on the amount we’re talking here I’d try it for $1,000,000, but I wouldn’t do enough to risk and OD. That and I’d want medical quality heroin.
- Have sex with a person of the same gender - Would I? Probably Not.
Unlike in the cases where I have just put no I cannot say that I definately would not do this, it’s unlikely that I would but not as impossible as me cheating on a partner for example.
So in short it seems that I’d do quite a lot for $1,000,000, but nothing that I wouldn’t probably do for a lot less - I’d say that makes me a pretty moral and uncorruptable person wouldn’t you? That or I am just really easy to bribe.
*Although today according to xe.com it’s worth a little bit more - £510,793.30 to be exact.
I have previously used a highly accurate and scientific test to asses the manner of my death and the result was that I was most likely to just disappear.
However by use of another completely trustworthy Internet test I have been able to ascertain a little more about the manner of my death…
How cool am I? I will be missed by some of my biggest idols - if any of you have seen my stand up comedy you’ll no doubt recognise the influence of Fozzy Bear.
One thing I know I want right now is to go home, as I have already had enough of stupid, irritating and ignorant callers and if I can’t go home I want a button on my phone that would cause the phone at the other end of the line to explode when I pressed it - it doesn’t have to injure the person at the other end of the line (although that would be a bonus) - it just has to stop them from calling me back.
But I don’t really want that if I am honest (although I wouldn’t say no to such a device!) and so I thought I would consult the oracle that is Google and see if it could tell me in the words of the Spice Girls, “What I really, really want!” Apparently I want:
- an IP phone…
- to beat him… (Who and at what?)
- to waste time… (Well I am doing that already)
- to change the world…
- to ration alcohol…
- the abolition of Parliment…
- to take you home…
- to use the term “brouhaha” more…
- to be a Daddy again… (AGAIN!?!)
- to reverse the flows in tiny Niagra Falls… (Well got to start somewhere and work your way up.)
A few weeks back using highly scientific Internet tests to see what my personality flaw was I was gratified to find out that I am a Smartass - after all I knew that and it just proved once again that I am always right!
But I thought today I would be more positive and find out what positive quality I embody and the results as they say are in…
Which Positive Quality Are You?
Your Result: Faith
You are Faith. Faith is the belief in better things, in spite of the cynicism and doubt that swirls around us. Faith gives us strength; it inpsires us to move forward and follow our hearts. “Faith tells us what the senses do not.”
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| Faith |
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| Courage |
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| Peace |
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| Friendship |
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| Love |
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| Charity |
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| Which Positive Quality Are You? |
All I can say to that is that I have faith all right and it can best be summed up by my mantra about human nature, “Basically good, but basically stupid” - I have to repeat this to myself a lot at work to keep my blood pressure down, as to the low score for charity it just means I was right to refer to myself as Scrooge the other day.
